Edited by Kira M Newman on Monday February 13th, 2017 Search inside yourself
Navigating Life’s Struggles
A mentor of mine recently passed away, and I was heartbroken — so I tried my best to avoid thinking about it. I didn’t even mention it to my family because I didn’t want those sad feelings to resurface.
In other words, I took the very enlightened approach of pretend it didn’t happen — one that’s about as effective as other common responses, such as get angry, push people away, blame myself, or wallow in the pain.
Even for the relatively self-aware and emotionally adept, struggles can take us by surprise. But learning healthy ways to move through adversity — a collection of skills that researchers call resilience — can help us cope better and recover more quickly, or at least start us heading in that direction.
Here are 12 resilience practices (squeezed into five categories), which can help you confront emotional pain more skillfully.
Wallowing in our pain or bottling our emotions is easy, but it doesn’t help.
- Change the Narrative
When something bad happens, we often relive the event over and over in our heads, rehashing the pain. This process is called rumination; it’s like a cognitive spinning of the wheels, and it doesn’t move us toward healing and growth.
The practice of expressive writing can move us forward by helping us gain new insights on the challenges in our lives. It involves writing continuously for 20 minutes about a particular issue; exploring your deepest thoughts and feelings around it. The goal is to get something down on paper, not to create a memoir-like masterpiece.
A 1988 study found that participants who did expressive writing for four days were healthier six weeks later, and happier up to three months later, compared to people who wrote about superficial topics. In writing, researchers suggest that we’re forced to confront ideas, one by one, and give them structure; which may lead to new perspectives. We’re actually crafting our own life narrative and gaining a sense of control.
Once we’ve explored the dark side of an experience, we might choose to contemplate some of its upsides. A technique called ‘finding silver linings’ invites you to call to mind an upsetting experience and try to list three positive things about it. For example, you might reflect on how fighting with a friend brought some important issues out into the open and allowed you to learn something about their point of view.
Writing about your pains and emotions helps heal them and transform them into wisdom.
In a 2014 study, doing this practice daily for three weeks helped participants afterward become more engaged with life, and it decreased their pessimistic beliefs over time. This wasn’t true for a group whose members just wrote about their daily activities. It was particularly beneficial for staunch pessimists, who also became less depressed. But the effects wore off after two months, suggesting that looking on the bright side is something we have to practice regularly.
- Face Your Fears
The practices above are helpful for past struggles; ones that we’ve gained enough distance from to be able to get some perspective. But what about knee-shaking fears that we’re experiencing in the here and now?
The ‘overcoming a fear’ practice is designed to help with everyday fears that get in the way of life, such as the fear of public speaking, heights, or flying. We can’t talk ourselves out of such fears; instead, we have to tackle the emotions directly.
The first step is to slowly, and repeatedly, expose yourself to the thing that scares you — in small doses. For example, people with a fear of public speaking might try talking more in meetings, then perhaps giving a toast at a small wedding. Over time, you can incrementally increase the challenge until you’re ready to nail that big speech or TV interview.
Start off small when facing your fears, and gradually, your confidence will build.
In a 2010 study, researchers modeled this process in the lab. They gave participants a little electrical shock every time they saw a blue square, which soon became as scary as a tarantula to an arachnophobe. But then, they showed the blue square to participants without shocking them. Over time, the participants’ Pavlovian fear (measured by the sweat on their skin) gradually disappeared.
In effect, this kind of ‘exposure therapy’ helps us change the associations we have with a particular stimulus. If we’ve flown 100 times and the plane has never crashed, for example, our brain (and body) start to learn that it’s safe. Though the fear may never be fully extinguished, we’ll likely have more courage to confront it.
- Practice Self-Compassion
I’ve never been a good flyer myself, and it was comforting when an acquaintance shared an article he wrote about having the same problem; as well as his favorite tips. Fears and adversity can make us feel alone; we wonder why we’re the only ones feeling this way, and what exactly is wrong with us. In these situations, learning to practice self-compassion — and recognizing that everyone suffers — is a much gentler, and more effective, way to heal.
Self-compassion involves offering compassion to ourselves: confronting our own suffering with an attitude of warmth and kindness; without judgment. In one study, participants in an eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion program reported more mindfulness and life satisfaction, with lower depression, anxiety, and stress afterward, compared to people who didn’t participate — and the benefits lasted up to a year.
Be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend.
One practice, the ‘self-compassion break’, is something you can do any time you start to feel overwhelmed by pain or stress. It has three steps, which correspond to the three aspects of self-compassion:
- Be mindful:Without judgment or analysis, notice what you’re feeling. Say, “This is a moment of suffering” or “This hurts” or “This is stress.”
- Remember that you’re not alone:Everyone experiences these deep and painful human emotions, although the causes might be different. Say to yourself, “Suffering is a part of life” or “We all feel this way” or “We all struggle at some point in our lives.”
- Be kind to yourself:Put your hands on your heart and say something like “May I give myself compassion” or “May I accept myself as I am” or “May I be patient.”
If being kind to yourself is a challenge, an exercise called ‘How Would You Treat a Friend?’ could help. Here, compare how you respond to your own struggles — and the tone you use — with the way you would respond to a friend’s. Often, this comparison unearths some surprising differences and valuable reflections: Why am I so harsh on myself, and what would happen if I weren’t?